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If you are a parent, then you already are a model parent.
What I mean by this is that parenting, by its very nature, is modeling.
The term “modeling” simply means demonstrating how to do something. It brings to mind imagery of working with clay, which makes sense because modeling is also the business of shaping something.
Even before conception, all parents are involved in shaping their child’s life by virtue of who they are – their everyday choices, their relationships, their personal outlook on life, etc.
For me personally, even though I am a psychologist, writing about parenting takes courage because I am not – and will never be – a “perfect” parent. This is a crucial distinction. A model parent is not the same as a perfect parent. Entertaining the illusion that a parent can be perfect is unrealistic, naïve, and a waste of energy.
Parenting is a learning process. To this point, I love the quote from Daniel Coyle’s The Culture Code: “The path to success is paved with mistakes well handled” because successful parenting involves making mistakes. It is how mistakes are acknowledged and addressed that makes all the difference. Modeling how to address mistakes in real time in front of your children can help set them up for success in relationships.
By modeling how we handle our own emotions, communication, and behavior during the inevitable storms of life, we shape our children. We shape their expectations for their own relationships and their perception of what it means to be human. We give them a template for what love and respect for ourselves and others can look like.
This concept can feel like a lot of pressure because life gets messy, overwhelming, frustrating, and exhausting sometimes. We all have our moments. I know I have mine. But if we can ask ourselves, what would I encourage my child to do if they were in my situation, then we can tap into our inner wisdom and access some great advice for ourselves.
This might be as simple as saying something like, “I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier. I was upset and I shouldn’t have done that” to your child or to your partner with your child present. It could involve trying new communication tactics, parenting strategies, or emotional regulation techniques when it becomes clear that old patterns aren’t working.
I always get excited when my clients tell me they shared some of the techniques they learned in therapy with their children or grandchildren. Like passing down intergenerational wealth, we can pass down knowledge and skills for coping with challenging life situations and uncomfortable emotions. This kind of inheritance can reverberate throughout generations far beyond what we will ever know.
Let’s do the work to enhance our emotional and relational wellness now so future generations can focus on building their lives without having to deal with problematic patterns we passed down.
Love and light,
Dr. Valerie Johnson